Insanity at Disneyland

Narrator: Recently, all has not been well at the small, cosy apartment of The Crazy College Girls next door. For some reason, Rivi and Vinnie have been sat at the kitchen table with a myriad of folders and papers, and an even bigger load of red pens and highlighter pens. No-one can get close to them. Or hold a conversation for at least a minute. Manah, Ainsley, Tifa, and Yuffie, have all taken to TV dinners and playing videogames all day. In particular, old 16-bit RPGs.

Yuffie: (watching her 16-bit character die) Max! Nooo!

Manah: Perhaps if you tried using this magical thing called strategy, you wouldn't kill your characters...

Tifa: Oh, great. We're just a step away from promotion for Max, and then you kill him! And of course, Ninja Princess Yuffie can do no wrong, though clearly some forgivable lapse of the brain happened, because she decided to make all but two of her party absolutely worthless, and now we only have 1 out of the 2 people who are worth something...

Ainsley: Can you all just shut up? Tryin' to read Umbrella Academy here! Honestly! (flips the pages of the comic in annoyance)

Narrator: (Suddenly in living room with a microphone.) But, after a few months, Rivi and Vinnie have broken their silence. (Traverses into the kitchen.) And their fast...How do you guys eat, exactly?

Rivi: The never-ending fruit bowl on the table!

Vinnie: We've also discovered in our research that Brownies actually exist. That's how we eat during research/plotting sessions. Where's our Nobel prize?

Narrator: So what precisely is it that you've figured out?

Rivi: Well, we've discovered that there is a real reason why the ultimate bishonen snapped. Mentally.

Narrator: Who?

Rivi: Sephiroth.

Vinnie: It happened like this...

(Pretty flashback ensues. Sephiroth, Zack, Cloud and Random Infantryman are walking towards Nibelheim.)

Zack: Well, Nibelheim, eh?

Sephiroth: (Sniffs in disdain.) I was hoping for something exciting, at least... Hey, you. (Glares at Cloud.) Emo-worm. I saw you standing-at-ease without my permission earlier. I'm guessing you know something about Nibelheim?

Cloud: Y-yes, sir. I grew up here.

Sephiroth: So... Tell us, from the insiders' view, what it's like.

Cloud: Well...

Zack: Oh my god! Is that a Disneyland in the distance!? I think it is! (Starts twitching in excitement.)

Cloud: Um... yes, it is.

Sephiroth: Disneyland? Huh. Never been there. Why did they build one here in the first place?

Cloud: It was because there's nothing to do here. The children were either running off into the mountains and getting themselves killed, or playing with rocks. The sad fact that this town was so boring and only had rocks to play with meant that more and more children went up into the mountains to escape their misery. And lives. So one day, ShinRa built a Disneyland.

(End flashback.)

Narrator: So, there's a Disneyland in Nibelheim... anything else?

Rivi: Of course. Right after Sephiroth went emo after Gackt told him he was some biological experiment that was intended to be the ultimate killing machine, there was one more thing that made the silver-haired General snap...

(Flashback. Again.)

Zack: Seph, it's alright, buddy! Who cares if you could kill me at any time  and not care about it? I'm your friend!

Sephiroth: ...

Zack: Oi! Cloud! Random-Infantryman!

(They walk in.)

C & R-I: YES SIR!?

Zack: Sephiroth needs some cheering up. Cloud, is Disneyland open?

Cloud: Sir, yes, sir.

Zack: Well, off we go!

(Three hours later. Sephiroth is wearing a pair of Mickey Mouse ears, holding a bag of Disney plushies with a Keyblade sticking out of one corner, and he is still looking depressed.)

Zack: Kay, so we've been on Space Mountain, the Indiana Jones ride, we've been to the Animal Kingdom, over to the big thing that looks like a golf-ball, and on the tea-cup ride. Anything else? (Checks the visitor map.) Ah. 'It's a Small World'! And conveniently, we're just outside it. Let's go!

(They strap themselves into the boat, and let the ride carry them away to a world of scary, small puppets...)

Puppets: Au bout du Pôle Nord ou sur l'Equateur
Il y a un Jean qui rit, il y a un Jean qui pleure
Du soleil de midi au soleil de minuit
On a tous la même vie
Car le monde est tout petit
Devant le ciel on se dit
Que nous sommes des fourmis
Le monde est petit~

Sephiroth: ...Help me...

Puppets: Mari e monti
Non ci dividono
Luna e sole
Sempre risplendono
Se un sorriso farai
In risposta tu avrai
Amicizia e simpatia
È un monde piccolo
Dopo tutto è piccolo
È un mondo favoloso
Ma è piccolo

Sephiroth: (Close to tears.) Let me off...

Zack: Wow. Who knew the General would be seasick? No, wait,  the boat's attached to a cable, ain't it? Cable-sick? River-sick? I dunno...

Puppets: En el mundo hay risas y dolor
Esperanzas y hay tambien temor
Mucho hay en verdad
Que poder compartir
Entre la humanidad
Muy pequeño el mundo es
Muy pequeño el mundo es
Debe haber mad hermandad
Muy pequeño es~

Sephiroth: (Desperately trying to pull off the seatbelt and bars.) Let me out of this thing!

Puppets: Es gibt nur einen Monday Eine Sonne scheint
Und mit einem Lächeln
Ist nur Freundschaft Trennen Berge und Meere und Grenzen querfeldein
Diese Welt ist ja so klein
Diese Welt ist klein, so klein
Diese Welt is fein, so fein
Und in dieser Welt, da woollen wir Brüder sein

Sephiroth: ...That's it! I'm declaring a boycott against humanity. Against the *beep*-ers who WROTE this song, against the singers who sung it, (gets up and points) against all you troglodytes on the boat, and anyone else who gets in the way!

(end flashback)

Rivi: Well, Sephiroth then ran off to find out materials with which to make a Molotov cocktail, and the rest, as they say, is history...