FFVII: The Sitcom!
Numero Tres!

Announcer: It’s Friday, it’s 7pm~! IT’S FINAL FANTASY VII: THE SITCOM! (Pause.) Now, for those of you newbies sat out there in TV-Land, who are wondering what replaced Heroes or another insipid gardening/property programme in this slot on the BBC, we were invaded by a troupe of fangirls, who then demanded to be on the show. We had no choice but to oblige, otherwise we’d be threatened with…. THE BLACKMAIL!!! Ahem. So far into the story~ Like a typical American sitcom, it shows a naïve young guy with bad hair who’s moved into an apartment complex. But, with not-so-typical characters, as you’ll see. Across from his apartment, there are the Crazy College Girls (Rivi, Ainsley, Manah, Vinnie, Tifa and Yuffie), two doors down on the left, he who would put a sailor’s parrot to shame,  Ol’ Man Cid; on the right, are some religious freaks, and next door on the left… A once-heroic swordsman now reduced to acting in drag… Sephette!

(Theme tune kicks in, yadda-yadda.)

(Cloud is in his (double) bed, as the early morning rays come in through the skylight. He squints, raises his arm up, then turns to his side, only to see a silver-haired bishounen in a pink silk negligee with awfully over-exaggerated boobs…)

Cloud: (Screams(in a manly way, as manly as you can get when you wear a purple uniform…) and backs out of the bed and back onto the wall.)

Sephette: (Going out of character.) Cloud, go make me breakfast. Chop-chop! Or I’ll kill that bitch who lives across the way.

Cloud: Wha… what…? How did this happen!?

(Sephette suddenly feels the empty bed-space beside her and gets up almost immediately, back turned away from Cloud.)

Sephette: (Distressedly squeals.) MR. STRIFE?!!!?!?!?!? Where are you? I, I… You wouldn’t run away from me, would you!? After I took such good care of you!?

Cloud: Well, actually, that could be a good option at this moment in time.

Sephette: (Wheels around, glares, and pounces on Cloud, strangling him and bashing his head against the wall.) …Hold on, why does this feel so good?

Cloud: …Turning… blue… da-ba-dee…. da-bu…die…

Sephette: (Drops Cloud.) Whoops~! Well, Mr. Strife, I was so upset yesterday!

Cloud: Why?

Sephette: You were cuss-cussed, Mr. Strife! I simply couldn’t leave you alone! You could have DIED!!!

Cloud: Look, Sephiro… Sephette… I can’t have you hanging around all the time… I have a reputation to keep up.

Sephette: What reputation? The fact that you’re a whiny emo kid with overcompensation issues?

Cloud: What was that?

Sephette: Nothing, nothing! Hehe.

(Cloud walks into the living room and Sephette follows him closely behind.)

Cloud: When did I get a maid?

Sephette: (Points to the Mary-Sue in a dark-blue school uniform and an apron crying over a creepy-looking boy with purple hair whose mouth has been duct-taped over and has been tied up and forced to read an explicit triple-M-rated General Armstrong x Aunt Pinako doujinshi.) You can go now, pitiful shoujo manga characters. But if I see ONE thing that isn’t sparkly…

Cloud: Just put Edward Cullen in the middle of the room on a sunny day…?

Sephette: …That ISN’T sparkly, I’ll get out my Albus Dumbledore x Minerva McGonagall doujinshis and force you to read them until your eyes bleed out of the sockets! Do you understand me!?

Tohru Honda and Yuki Sohma: (Crying and mumbling.) Sir, yes, sir…

Sephette: (Watches them leave in disgrace.) Oh, how I love my doujinshis…

Cloud:  Doujinshis are awesome. I have one in which you’re an uké.

(Crickets cheep.)

Sephette: Let’s not talk about such silly things, Mr. Strife! Now, I cleaned your apartment from top to bottom, rub-a-dub-scrub!

Cloud: And took care of me, whatever that means?

Sephette: Why, yes, yes I did.

Cloud: Sephette, don’t lie to me. I have a copy of the Kama Sutra here… That I didn’t have before. It was hidden under my bed, and it’s bookmarked on the chapter (Looks at the page.) on how to do… it… when your partner’s… asleep....

(Uncomfortable pause.)

Sephette: Tee-hee. That was just for future reference. I am a lady! I don't often get to read stuff like that, Mr. Strife!

Cloud: You’re not a woman…! But even if you were, that wouldn’t make this situation any better.

Sephette: I AM!

Cloud: You are not~!

Sephette: Prove it, then!

Cloud: Sephette… Sephiroth, I once had to cross-dress myself. Not the best experience in the world, but, it does teach you that women have every right to complain about corsets. Anyway, Aerith forced me into a bone-ribbed corset dress with giant boobs… And I’ve gotta say, mine were more believable than yours. What cup are you? 36 Double Z?

Sephette: I’m the same cup as that slutty rodeo girl who lives across the hall, actually.

Cloud: 36 octuple Z then. Look, you don’t have feminine parts, unless you’re secretly a hermaphrodite.

Sephette: Whatever gave you THAT idea?

Cloud: (Groans and rolls his eyes, then places his hands on Sephette’s boobs.) I knew it. Too firm. Watermelons, or soccer balls?

Sephette: (Screams like a high-pitched banshee for what seems like ages.)

Tifa: (Outside the door.) Cloud?

Sephette: (Still screaming.)

Tifa: Oh hunny-bunny whom I ignored for all of my childhood though he had a rather obvious and pathetic crush on me?

Sephette: (More and more screaming.)

Tifa: CLOUD!!!! (Kicks down the door. Looks at Sephette, then looks at Cloud. Rivi pops up behind her and takes a picture, holds the Polaroid in-between her fingers, cackles, then disappears.)

Cloud: (Still holding Sephette’s boobs.) Uhhh… Honestly, this isn’t what it looks like… (Gingerly yakes his hands off them.)

Tifa: It looks really bad to me. (Her lips have become a mere line on her face.) You’re going… whatever base it is… with a silver-haired transvestite.

Yazoo: (Pops up behind Tifa.) DID THOME-ONE SAY THILVER-HAIRED TRANSTHETHTITE? (Pops down again.)

Cloud: Uh, uh, uh…

Tifa: Care to acquaint me with your sweet friend from some distant galaxy named after an area in Romania?

Sephette: HI! My name is Sephette Crescent! I moved in next door just last night!

Tifa: I hate you already.

Cloud: (Notices he still has the Karma Sutra in one of his hands.) Oh… Crap.

Tifa: (Shrieks.) YOU HAVE HAD SEX!? Cloud, I knew you were emo, but I never imagined… with… him…

Vinnie: (Pops up behind Tifa.) Oh, believe me, fanfics and doujinshis tell a different story… (Sticks her tongue out, then jumps down again.)

Cloud: Honestly, I can explain!!

Tifa: (Glares at Cloud, her eyes turn red, and she jumps on Sephette, attempting to scratch her eyes out.) I’VE KNOWN HE WAS MY TRUE LOVE SINCE I WAS TEN FREAKING YEARS OLD, SISTER! I GET FIRST IN LINE!

Sephette: (Grabs Tifa by the neck and does an elaborate spin and throws her through a wall.) Pfft. Tavern wench!

Kadaj: (As Tifa’s flying through his apartment.) Oooh, look, a sacrifice!

(Tifa goes through two more walls, then goes shooting out of someone’s balcony and into the dumpster below. Sephette listens to her scream, then sweeps her hands together in victory.)

Sephette: So… Where were we, Mr. Strife?

Cloud: You were going to leave…

Sephette: Oh, Mr. Strife, you think I can leave you alone? You fainted at my sheer beauty! How can anyone trust you with hot water tanks, boilers, shopping, and electrical appliances?

Cloud: Actually… Where electrical appliances are concerned… How do you think I get my hair like this without a toaster?

Sephette: Mr. Strife, one day, you will electrocute yourself, and I will not be to blame! So, I will stay with you until further notice!

Cloud: No!

Sephette: You don’t want me to? (Draws Masamune from somewhere in her neverending negligee.) Then you die.

Cloud: You have got to be kidding me…